Humor

Dear Ace,
My New Year’s resolution was to lose 15 pounds, but I’ve put on 10 since the year started—how can I trim down quick?—Double-Doubling Down
 
Dear Double,

Dear Ace,
I've been gambling online for a while now and I consider myself somewhat of an expert. I've made some good money on a few sites, but I feel weird going into a Casino and doing it in person. Can you help me get my poker face together?-Not Ready to Go Public

Dear Not Ready,

Dear Ace, I'm sick and tired of my fiancé's obsession with gambling. He's had weekly poker nights every Thursday for years now, and he's always trying to plan our vacations for casinos when I'd rather he take me somewhere romantic. How can I get him to be the man I want him to be?-Wistful in West Hills

Poker is a mean game. It's agony and ecstasy, frustration and fulfillment, delight and despair. Consequently, we find Poker websites devoted to news, views, how-to's, who's who's, and what-todo's.

But what's funny about Poker? A lot. If you're not getting laughs out of your game, there's a special website for you: Hold'em Humor. It's a flop house for poker jokers.

"I was playing poker with tarot cards the other night. I got a full-house and four people died" is typical of the one-liners posted on the website.

Can I make a rule? It's a simple one: if you don't know anything about poker, don't write an alleged humor piece about it. Really, what the hell is "He was short-stacked, so I raised with nothing but a bumpy melinda and a bullet" supposed to mean?

You know who's a genius?

A genius is the guy who figured out that the chocolate shell lining the sugar cone on "Drumsticks" is not only tasty, but helps the ice cream from melting all over your fingers. A genius is a guy who dresses up in a shockingly green jacket with question marks embroidered all over it, screams into the television camera, and somehow sells enough books to make a second commercial.

Genius comes in all sizes, shapes, and colors.

It was about two weeks ago Thursday when I played the hand that changed my perspective on Internet poker forever.

I was playing one of those crapshoot multi-table tournaments on Party Poker, and was inching towards the bubble with a pretty healthy chip stack.

Two more to bust before we were all in the money, and I look down to find bullets. Rockets. Pocket Aces. The cure for what ails you.

Poker, you're my new best friend. And I'm not just saying that, I mean it. You've given me so much lately, not the least of which includes a new digital camera, a couple hundred dollars to bet on the Kentucky Derby (no, I didn't have Giacomo), and a CD burner for my computer.

I want to thank you poker, but I think we also need to have a little talk here too. You've been so good to me that it hurts just a little bit to tell you that you've got a bad side along with all the things that make you great. But bear with me poker, I think we can work through these things together.

Apparently, I'm a fish.

I only mention this because a player online I'll refer to as "Seth" spent five good minutes in the aftermath of a two table tournament yesterday calling me one.

[Editors Note: Even though this article is filed in the 'humor' category I'll reiterate that this is a work of satire and any resemblance to truth is purely coincidental]