[Editors Note: Even though this article is filed in the 'humor' category I'll reiterate that this is a work of satire and any resemblance to truth is purely coincidental]
Since I'm widely recognized as one of the leading experts in regards to the secrets these poker portals don't want you to know, my friends periodically come to me with questions or for advice. Now that Poker Player has provided me the platform, I'd like to share with you some of the dozens and hundreds of emails I get every day looking for answers to some of the most nebulous "Whys" of online poker's idiosyncrasies.

This, my friends, is the unvarnished truth about online poker. Take notes. Class is in session.

My protege, who goes by the moniker StB, asks: "Why is it that Ace/Jack will always flop the Jack when I hold Ace/King to knock me out of tournaments?"

I've bankrolled StB into a good number of multi-table tournaments on various online poker sites with entry fees that approach as much as ten dollars at times, and we have spent countless minutes in the aftermath of these tournaments dissecting his play.

This is what the Sensei will do for his Daniel-san.

Now, since StB and I have the sort of quasi-legal mentor/pupil relationship which might raise IRS eyebrows, I am unable to go into the same detailed minutiae as to why, when, and how to push your chips to the middle with a drawing hand - albeit a strong one - in the latter stages of a multi-table tournament. It is apparent, however, that these "coin-flip" hands are the ones that separate a deep run in the money from a middling bubble exit. If you're going to survive in live tournaments, you're going to have to learn some of the more difficult concepts like "fold equity" and "being pot committed." But we're talking online poker here, which is a different animal altogether from live poker. Suckouts are going to happen. But there's one easy way to reduce your percentage of suckouts, which will help your high percentage advantages stand up more often than not:

Truth #1: For every dollar of winnings you withdraw from an online poker site, you can expect 50 hands where your bad beat percentage increases by a factor of pi.

Feel free to go ask David Sklansky how to calculate your implied odds with that factored into the mix, I have another question to answer.

Frequent reader THG sent in a litany of questions, most of which were too expletive-laced and unintelligible for a family website on gambling. There were a couple of questions from his tirade I would like to address.

The first, "Is it true that the companies that own the Internet poker sites are part of the vast right wing conspiracy? The Illuminati? The Axis of Evil?"

Let's take a deep breath, shall we folks? The minds behind Internet poker are like the Wizard in that movie about the girl and her animal friends with biological deficiencies. They live behind a veil of secrecy and probably sleep on big piles of your cash every night. But just who are the people behind online poker really? Well, in the interest of solving this problem logically, I have traced the ownership of one of the most well-known and frequented online poker rooms to a small island nation in the Atlantic called Mauritius. Since I'm pretty sure that's the island with all the big stone heads of mysterious origin, I can only assume that the same group responsible for these enormous rock sculptures is responsible for online poker - Aliens. It's the only conclusion I can draw that makes any sense at all.

THG's next question was, "Is it true that some sites are rigged so that the river card always changes who wins a hand?"

This is surprising? Last night, I performed a scientific study where I looked at well over eleven hands dealt on a mid-limit table on which I was playing. In every case, the river card changed the complexion of the board fundamentally. Now, since I am unable to crack the algorithm of the online site (yet) to know the hole cards of my opponents, I can only quote anecdotal evidence. I decided to ask those at my table the following question after each hand: "If no one folded, who would have won that hand?"

It took a few hands (thirty-seven) asking that question in chat after the hand to get the table's attention, but once I did, my theory was completely corroborated. Here's just a sample of the answers I received:

HAND ONE: If no one folded, who would have won that hand?
ITakeURChipz: Me, alright? Knock it off.
ME: What'd you have?
ITakeURChipz: ****

(Author's note: I'm fairly certain the administrators of the online poker site didn't want this secret to become public, and as a result decided to censor his comment revealing the winning hand)

HAND SEVEN: If no one folded, who would have won that hand?
ITakeURChipz: ************
ME: I'll take that as an answer Chipz. What'd you have?
ITakeURChipz: **** **** ******

You get the idea. We were trying to reveal the truth, but were blocked in our efforts. By the way, Chipz must have had a heck of a run of cards there, as he was doing whatever he could to tell me what I needed to hear. Moving on...

Bob Respert writes, "At what point in a SNG would you employ the deck color change to achieve the best results?"

Thank you Bob, for a wonderful question. Many people believe "playing tight," "pounding your draws," or "having a rudimentary understanding of pot and implied odds" is key to success playing online poker.

They couldn't be more wrong.

Much like "Doom" or "Hunt the Wumpus," online poker is a video game. And since it is a video game, there must be an assortment of online poker cheat codes that exist. The full compliment of cheat codes is a well-kept secret of winning online poker players such as myself, and is only available via my e-book "Where To Place Your Mouse Pointer To Get Pocket Aces And Other Cheat Codes," which retails for $99.95. But, in the interest of providing a public service, I will reveal for the first time in print the six deck colors of Party Poker, and what a switch to them will provide.

The Red Deck is your default choice upon logging into PartyPoker. It is important to play no more or less than your first two orbits with the Red Deck before switching, as that unlocks the possibilities of the other decks most effectively. Since it is your default choice, it is also the most neutral of the decks in the Party Poker dealer window.

The Orange Deck should never be used for any games outside of Pot Limit Omaha. It is programmed to provide the most extreme hands (Ace/Deuce, King/Four, etc), and as a result is the most dangerous of all the deck color selections. Pocket pairs are rarely dealt from the Orange Deck.

The Navy Blue Deck is your best bet for pairs in-the-hole. However, since it is a proven mathematical anomaly that down pocket pairs on Party Poker are over seven times more likely to be up against at least one other down pair at the table, this is an extremely volatile deck with which to play. I strongly advise that should you play pocket Kings to a flop with the Navy Blue Deck, you automatically fold this normally strong hand should you not hit your set on the flop regardless as to how low the board cards are.

The Maroon Deck is your best bet if you love playing for flushes. More suited hole cards will be dealt to you with the aid of the Maroon Deck than any of the other choices. That being said, it is also the deck which provides the most hit-or-miss flops for flush chasers. Since it is programmed to be pre-disposed to suited cards, your down clubs will see multiple spades or hearts up to negate your chase more often than not. Play the Maroon Deck with caution.

The Turquoise Deck should be called "The Turnaround Deck." It is crucial that you only make the switch in the time between the resolution of your Big Blind hand and the dealing of your Small Blind hand, otherwise the code will not take and you'll be playing a default deal with high expectations. Should you manage to make the change appropriately, the system is programmed to improve your starting hand selection by a minimum of 25% for a maximum of two orbits. After playing the Turquoise Deck properly for those two orbits, it resets itself and cannot be used again for 1,000 hands. This deck is most effective when utilized after a rush of great cards.

The Green Deck, I think, is where the programmers decided to have a little fun with all of us cheat-seekers. So far, I can find nothing of note that is different or special about the Green Deck.

In most cases, it's not just as simple as changing deck colors, as I noted above in the explanation of the power of the Turquoise Deck. There are factors such as which seat you've chosen, where the dealer button is, and where and for how long you should rest your mouse pointer before or after making a change. All of these various factors are covered in detail in my e-book Bob, when can I expect your check?

Until next time, don't withdraw cash from your account before a big tournament, and always stick with the Red Deck for the first two orbits! I'll see you on the virtual felt.