I tell Jenny, "I'm not the Spade thief. I didn't cheat the House of Cards. Gyp had two partners. I was there to cheat. The other, the player I call Shemp, was there to kill. He's the one you want.
You have to believe me."
"The Rules," answers Jenny, "say I have to let you play. Nowhere do they say I have to believe you."
The doorbell rings.
"That," says Jenny, "will be our final player." She opens the door. Standing there, holding up an As, is Shemp.
The Small Man stops me from killing Shemp. "Good evening," says Jenny, taking his Spade. "Welcome to The House of Cards. I am the Mistress of the Game. Come with me."
Eight players sit around a poker room. Shemp and I sit down. The Small Man locks the door.
"No one," says Jenny, taking the Dealer's chair, "knows the true origins of the House of Cards. Many believe the first game was a course of scopa played in Rome in 1519 by Lucretia Borgia; others believe that the first game was a round of poque played in Paris in 1793 by the Marquis de Sade; or that the first game was a hand of whist played in 1888 by Jack The Ripper.
In the late nineteenth century this survival-of-the-fittest game was called "Darwin's Game." In the late twentieth century, it was called "The Executioner's Game." This has now been shortened to "The 'X' Game."
"We play no-limit hold'em. For your $250,000 buy-in you have been given 1000 poker chips. They each have a value of $250.
The Blinds will begin at $500/$250 and will double every half hour. Once your chips are gone you will taken from this room by the House's Enforcer," she indicates the Small Man, "who will collect what you owe. Please remember," she glares at me, "no one cheats the House Of Cards."
"You have come to The House of Cards because, for you, playing for money is not enough. Here the stakes are, literally, an arm and a leg. In the early rounds we will play Biblical Rules - the bets will be 'An Eye For An Eye.' We will then progress to Vampire Rules, Cannibal Rules, and finally, when we are down to the last two players, Shakespeare's Rules, when the bet will be 'A Pound of Flesh.' In all disputes the decision of the House is final."
I look around. The other players, especially Shemp, look excited to be in this bizaree sado-masochistic game.
"We'll play the first hand for a hand," says Jenny as she deals.
The game begins. I'm in last position with Tin, 10f10a. An Old Man, first to act, calls. Shemp calls. Three players fold. I call. The Small Blind folds. "Three players."
The flop comes [8s][9h][Js]. The Old Man checks. Shemp checks. I, drawing to a open-ended straight draw, check. Fourth Street brings an 8a. The Old Man bets. Shemp raises. I call. Fifth Street is a 3s The Old Man bets. Shemp raises, I fold. The re-raises go down to the felt.
"Let's see them."
Shemp shows down 99 Bottles of Beer.
"9's full of 8's," calls Jenny.
The Old Man tosses away his As high flush. The Small Man takes hold of the Old Man's hand.
Shemp leans over and says to me, "You're next."
My two-word reply is lost in the Old Man's scream.
