"You have come to The House Of Cards," says Jenny, "because, for you, playing for money is not enough. Here the stakes are, literally, an arm and a leg. In the early rounds we will play Biblical Rules - the bets will be 'An Eye For An Eye.' We will then progress to Vampire Rules, Cannibal Rules, and finally, when we are down to the last two players, Shakespeare's Rules, when the bet will be 'A Pound of Flesh.'"
One by one The Small Man leads eliminated players away to the slaughter. Finally only Shemp and I remain. Only one of us will leave this room alive.
I'm up a handful of chips. I'm dealt a 3d3s in the Big Blind. Shemp limps in. The rainbow flop comes
[Qh][Jd][Ks]
Shemp, who never checks, checks.
My "Poker Alarm" goes off, Danger! Jack Thayer, Danger!
Fourth Street brings a Kh. Check. Check. Fifth Street brings a 2d.
Step Away From The Hand!
I ignore the warning and go "All-in."
Shemp smiles. He thinks he's caught me speeding.
I had a seventh grade schoolteacher who, catching me cheating on a test, made me write on the blackboard: Cheaters never win and winners never cheat. I didn't believe that then and I don't believe that now.
While Shemp smiles, I exchange the Crab Legs for the two cards I've stolen from the game and hidden up my "cheater's sleeve."
Shemp pushes all-in.
"Let's see 'em," says Jenny. I turn over AhKc.
"Three Wise Men," she says.
Shemp slams his 9c 10c over my cards.
"Straight Jacket," says Jenny.
If P.T. Barnum had been a poker player, he'd have said, "There's a yucker born every minute." Someone's just been yucked into the muck.
The Small Man places his hand on my shoulder.
He's holding a butcher knife.
Shemp tells me, "I'm going to enjoy this."
Jenny says, "Jack, you've lost. The Rules say. . . "
"I know exactly what the Rules say. I know them by heart. Like this one: A hand shall be declared dead if that hand comes into contact with any other player's hand. Look at my cards. Look at his cards placed on top of my cards. If you really follow the Rules, you'll declare his hand dead!"
"Dead?" laughs Shemp.
"No. You're the one who's dead."
Jenny looks at Shemp's [9c][10c] lying over my [Ah][Kc]. "You're right."
She nods and says to Shemp, "Your cards have come into contact with another player's cards. By rule, your hand is declared dead."
I add, "And so are you."
"What? Wait!" yells Shemp. "I won! Look at the cards! I won!"
"No, answers Jenny. "You've lost. Remember, in all disputes the decision of the House of Cards is final." She nods at The Small Man. He throws Shemp on top of the poker table.
"Wait!" Shemp screams.
"Wait! I won I. . . ."
The Small Man, knife in hand, starts hacking away. I'm splashed with blood. Jenny pulls me from my seat and brings me to the front door.
"It would be best if you leave right now and never speak of this again.
Remember," she says, taking the Crab Legs out of the hidden pocket in my shirt cuff, "no one cheats the House of Cards."
I stumble down the stairs and into the street. I run. At some point I fall down and fail to get up.
