I had just gotten back from a three-day business trip to San Francisco. I stopped to see Hobby at his yacht, Lazybuns. Since it was late in the afternoon, maybe we could do dinner.
"Hey Hobby, what have you been doing?" I said as I helloed him from shore.
"Come aboard. I've been doing some research, Joe. I met a Poker Astrologist."
"Really, Hobby? Are you going dippy on me?"
"No. This is straight stuff."
"Yeah, sure. Tell me about it."
"I was looking in the classifieds for parts for my dune buggy when the Poker Astrologist heading caught my eye. I made an appointment and met a very interesting lady. She knows poker and explained how luck isn't random. It's influenced by one's sign and the alignment of the stars and planets."
"You've got to be kidding, Hobby. You didn't fall for that. Did you?"
"Don't knock it, Joe. It makes sense if you're openminded about these things."
I could tell Hobby was serious, so I decided to back off. I wouldn't tell him it was a bunch of hooey. "I must confess, Hobby, I don't get. How does it work?"
"She made my chart for the month. Take a look at this. See, up there is the alignment of the planets. I don't really understand that, but take look at this. Across the bottom are the days of the month. The wiggly line is my energy fortune. When it goes below the horizontal line it's out of sync. When it goes above, my fortune is in tune with the planets. That's when I should be gambling.
Each day there are a few special numbers, one through thirteen for ace through king, either above or below the line. If they are below the line you should stay away from them, if above the line they are favorable for play."
I thought: give me a break, but I kept it to myself. "Have you tested this yet?"
"Nope. Maiden voyage is tonight. You wanna come?"
"Sure. I'll even treat for dinner, so it won't be a total bust for you."
"I'll accept your offer, Joe, but I won't accept the notion that it'll be a bust."
"Whatever. Where we going?"
"How about Commerce? I'll pick you up at seven?"
"I'll be ready."
"Oh! Wait a minute, Joe. I've got a surprise for you. I had her make up a chart for you, too. You want me to explain it?"
"No. I understand," I said as I took it from his hand. "I'll see you later."
Glancing at my chart as I drove to my condo, I though, what a stupid thing Hobby's gotten into. I like to see him engaged in the mental pursuits, but I didn't like to see him disappointed. Oh, well. It wouldn't be the first time for either of us.
When Hobby picked me he asked, "Did you look at your chart?"
"Yes, I did. Guess what? This is supposed to be a bad time for me. My energy fortune is off the bottom of the page."
"You better not gamble, Joe."
"Ah, baloney! I'll show you it's a lot of bunk!"
Hmm, my reaction was a bit excessive. Is this hokum getting to me?
Hobby and I went to different tables. My first Hold 'Em hand was a pair of pocket rockets. So much for my negative fortune line! I made a modest raise and three players called. The flop was a rainbow of mixed values. I doubled my last bet and two players called. The turn was a non-threatening jack. I continued my slow play and just repeated my previous bet. I wanted to milk this for all it was worth.
One player folded, the other called. The river was a three of spades. Wasn't the three marked on my chart as an especially unfavorable card? I sneaked a peek to check. Yep, it was a supposed to be a bad one. But that's bullshit, right?
"All-in," I bet just to show what I thought of poker astrology. I was a little surprised when my opponent called. I didn't see anything on the board to be afraid of, but when he turned over the pair of treys it was like a blow to the solar-plexus.
I got up and staggered off. Holy shit! I can't believe this. I was headed for the bar, which I decided was a good idea. The bartender knows me and said, "You okay, Joe?"
"Yeah. Just a bad-beat sucker punch. Give me a double JD with water on the side."
I tossed that drink and ordered another, which I nursed for a while. It was about an hour later when I felt my wound was sufficiently anaesthetized and I set out to find Hobby. I was more than curious to see how his stars were doing for him.
He saw me and sprouted one of his trademark widemouthed smiles. What a picture for a poker magazine ad. In front of him was a huge pile of chips.
"Give me about another half-hour, Joe; then we'll go to dinner," Hobby said. "Sure, take your time."
I watched him rake in pot after pot. He was on an unbelievable run. In this particular hand he was engaged in heavy betting with two other players when an eight was turned on the river. The player ahead of him made a sizable bet. Hobby took a look at his chart and mucked his hand. The remaining player called and cards were turned. Hobby raised a fist in the air and shouted like he was the winner.
I helped him gather up his chips and said, "What the hell was that yahoo about? You lost the hand."
"Sure, but my chart showed the eight was a bad card for me. It gave him a straight. He would have beaten my two pairs! So how'd you do, Joe?"
"Let's just say that it was a great coincidence that you did so well and I did so poorly, or..."
"Or the charts were righton, Joe!" Hobby said with a raucous laugh.
"Ah, shut up. I don't even want to think about that possibility!"
