The first one's always free. -"Soapy" Smith
[This is a work of poker fiction set ten thousand hands in the future. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is coincidental.]
Montgomery "Soapy" Smith, the greatest of all nineteenth century con men, was the creator of what we now call three-card Monte. In the 1900's it was called Soapy's swindle. The game required a pitch man to talk up the game, an inside man to run the game, one or more outside men to pretend to play the game, and a foolish man, the victim of the game.
The rules of Soapy's swindle have remained unchanged for over a hundred years. The pitch man talks the foolish man into watching the game. The inside man shuffles up and deals out three cards facedown before revealing the middle or money card to the crowd. The three cards, once again face-down cards, are quickly and confusingly rearranged.
The outside men, shills posing as players, bet even money on which of the three is the money card. They win easy money. The swindle, the dealer's sleight-of-hand removal and replacement of the money card, only goes into effect once the foolish man, after watching the other players winning hand after hand, demands his turn. And wins!
"The first one," decreed Soapy, "is always free."
The lucky victim goes on to lose three hands out of every five until his money runs out. In 1898 Soapy's own lucky streak ran out when a losing player shot him dead, but his game lives on.
The poker foes needed to convince the foolish man-the non-poker playing public-that only a constitutional amendment prohibiting online poker would save them from the yet to be determined but sure to be serious, online poker threat. Their inside man, Senator Phil Fist, "The Man Who (Almost) Killed Poker" would be in charge of running the political game. Their three outside men: The Reverend Biggs Brother, "The Anti-Poker Preacher;" Judge Roy Bean, "The Poker Czar;" and Ed Gein, "The Poker Prophet;" would shill the importance of the as yet to be determined but sure to be serious online poker threat. Now all they needed was a pitchman to come up with the as yet to be determined but sure to be serious online poker threat. Where, they asked themselves, can we find an unscrupulous poker swindle pitchman?
On New York City's Madison Avenue there any many advertising agencies that specialize in selling dangerous and defective products. But there is no single firm better practiced in the art of mass deception than the advertising agency of Fear & Loathing. F&L is famous for creating such successful advertising campaigns as I'll Believe in Global Warming When It Snows in Hell, and I Love the Smell of My SUV's Exhaust Cloud in the Morning.
The poker foes had found their poker swindle pitchman. Hands were shaken, checks were written, and Fear & Loathing went to work. In marketing legislation, the name of the law is of paramount importance. The Everything the Government Does Is a Secret Act would have never passed if F&L had not renamed it The Founding Fathers Privacy Act. Likewise The Not One More Dime for Daycare Act needed only to be renamed the Don't Leave the Children Alone Act before it too became law. Which explains why The Online Poker Prohibition Act was renamed The PEACE Amendment.
It would, said the poker swindle pitchman, be unpatriotic to not support The Poker Elimination and Criminalization Enforcement Amendment.
Soapy would have been proud.
(To be continued in the next issue of Poker Player)
