Can I make a rule? It's a simple one: if you don't know anything about poker, don't write an alleged humor piece about it. Really, what the hell is "He was short-stacked, so I raised with nothing but a bumpy melinda and a bullet" supposed to mean? I realize that the kids today have their own slang and it's hard to keep up, but I think I've spent enough time around the tables to understand there are no hole cards nicknamed "Babraham Lincolns." So, just to make myself feel better about, uh, myself, here's a competing list I'll call...

POKER TERMINOLOGY THAT CAN DOUBLE AS A CONVERSATION STOPPER AWAY FROM THE TABLES

· "I don't know what he had in his hole, but it was better than what I had."

· "Can we play Stud next? I'll even bring it in first!"

· "I really stuck it to your wife a little bit ago, she couldn't get away from my flopped monster."

· "I thought I was good there, but what he had in his pocket was just too much for me."

· "The longer I sit here, the smaller my stack seems to get thanks to you guys."

· "This guy (dealer) is screwing me! I don't want to see another eight from him today!"

· "He fell in love with his Jack in the hole."

· "He was basically begging me to suck out on him."

· "I shoved my whole stack in, and he was basically drooling."

...and finally...

· "Feel the power of my pocket rockets!"