If it isn’t broken, fix it till it is. —Samuel Johnson.
[This is a work of poker fiction set ten thousand hands in the future. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is coincidental.]
Senator Phil Fist’s “Hold’em Hearings,” the Congressional Un-American Games Committee’s investigation into Tommy Tilt’s allegations that poker was fixed, called its first witness, Cyrus Eisenberg, known to generations of poker players as “Cyrus the Great.”
“Mr. Eisenberg,” began Senator Fist, “there are serious allegations that the recently played Worlds Most Serious Poker Tournament was fixed. I’d like to ask you, as the winner of the very first tournament, if the fixing of the WMSPT is somehow new or if this sort of cheating was going on back then as well.”
“Senator, I totally reject the premise of your question. Poker was not ‘fixed’ then and it’s not ‘fixed’ now.
Senator Fist frowned for the cameras. “Mr. Eisenberg, the 1970 World’s Most Serious Poker Tournament was by invitation only. Who invited you?”
“I was invited by the owner of The Rabbit’s Foot Casino, Billy Buttons.”
“And Mr. Buttons was also the tournament director?
“Yes.”
“Is Mr. Buttons alive today?”
“No. Billy Buttons is long dead.”
“So, as tournament director, the late Mr. Buttons was in charge of selecting everyone at the poker tables.”
“Yes.”
“And who did you defeat in the final hand?”
“A poker player named Joseph Coogan.”
“Was Mr. Coogan a good poker player?”
“No. I hate to speak ill of the dead, but Joe Coogan was at best a mediocre poker player.”
“Why was Mr. Coogan invited to play if he was, as you say, a mediocre poker player?”
“I don’t know why. All I know is that after losing the ’70 WMSPT he dropped off the face of the poker world and was never heard from again.”
“So you believe that Mr. Coogan is dead?”
“I was a young man then and he was far older. Joe Coogan is probably long dead by now.”
“And did you win that poker tournament from the late Mr. Coogan fair and square? That is, without any cheating?”
“Yes.”
“Let me remind the witness that he is under oath and subject to prosecution for perjury if he is caught lying to the Committee.”
“Then I have nothing to fear as I am telling the truth. I beat Joe Coogan at the ’70 WMSPT ‘fair and square.’”
“And anyone saying different would be lying.”
“Yes.”
“In that case the Committee calls your opponent, “the late” Joe Coogan to the stand.”
The old man wheeled up to the witness table was bent over and shrunken, a skeleton exhumed from another time.
“Mr. Coogan, do you swear that the testimony that you are about to give before this Congressional Committee is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”
A raspy, “Yes.”
“And what is the truth that you want to tell?”
“Cy Eisenberg is lying to you. He knows as well as I do that the 1970 World Serious Poker Tournament was fixed.”
“Can you, Mr. Coogan, prove this allegation of poker fixing?”
Coogan smiles a toothless grin. “Yes.”
“And what proof do you have?”
Coogan reaches into his pocket and removes a yellowed, crinkled piece of paper.
“I have this,” he croaks, holding it aloft. “The complete script for the final table of the ’70 WMSPT. Every card dealt and every chip bet, written out in advance for Eisenberg and me.”
“And who, Mr. Coogan, “wrote this fixed script?”
“The tournament director, Billy Buttons.”
(To be continued... )
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