The law cannot make a man love me, but it can keep him from lynching me. -Martin Luther King, Jr.
[This is a work of poker fiction set ten thousand hands in the future. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is coincidental.]
Lynching, the hanging of an innocent person at the hands of a vindictive mob, has a long and shameful history. So shameful, in fact, that by a majority vote the U.S. Senate-which for over a century had refused to enact a federal anti-lynching law-only recently issued a formal apology to the descendants of lynching victims. One of those refusing to vote for that apology was Senator Philip Fist, called by Newsweekly "poker's worst enemy." During the 2024 Presidential primary elections, he shamelessly began to call for the lynching of poker players, although he did not use the word "lynching"-he used the phrase "hold 'em hanging."
Accepting Parents Against Poker's Man Of The Year Award, Fist told his supporters, "We are now just one hold 'em hanging away from striking fear into the hearts of vile and violent poker players everywhere!" The "hold 'em hanging" part of Senator Fist's speech was met by wild cheering.
"Fist Calls for Hold 'em Hanging!" reported FOXYTV. "Fist Says Poker Dopes Deserve Ropes," echoed MSCNBC. "Phil Fist Has Bad Noose for Poker Players" read Timely's cover story.
The hold 'em player that Fist, and so many primary voters, wanted so desperately to string up was Ivan Jakes (aka Ivan The Terrible), who had recently been acquitted for the strangulation death of teen pop star Mona Arizona by reason of temporary poker insanity. Unable to hang Ivan Jakes-the "legal technicality" of the Constitution's Double Jeopardy Clause getting in the way-Senator Fist had to settled for the "hold 'em hanging" of another "vile and violent poker player," Ben Parsons, then awaiting trial on charges that he had firebombed the card room of the Mississippi Riverboat Calamity Jane.
Senator Phil Fist traveled through the early primary states, New Hampshire and Iowa, making three campaign speeches per day. They always ended with a call for a "hold 'em hanging."
The poker player whose head he wanted in a noose, Ben Parsons, had made a deal with the Special Agent Thatcher of The FBI's Card Squad, reluctantly giving up the name of his friend, Winston Smith, who knew the identity of the real Calamity Jane bombers, in exchange for a get out of jail free card.
"Out of jail!" screamed Senator Fist when told that the FBI had released Parsons.
"Why?"
"They say he's innocent." "Parsons can't be innocent! Without a hold 'em hanging to harangue the voters with, my whole campaign is ruined! Who released Parsons?" "Some FBI Agent named Thatcher."
"Well," said the Senator, "FBI Agent Thatcher is going to be especially sorry he ever messed with soon-to-be-President Fist."
Soon-to-be-President Fist called the FBI Director and demanded Parsons be returned to jail and Agent Thatcher be put in the cell next to him.
"Don't worry, sir," said Agent Thatcher in response to the FBI Director's worried call, "I'll take care of Senator Fist."
The FBI's Card Squad is responsible for the collection of The Poker Files. They do this by utilizing "Cardzilla," a data mining supercomputer whose sole purpose is the surveillance of poker players-even poker players who believe that they've kept their identities very secret. The Special Agent in charge of The Card Squad, Miller Harlow Thatcher, reads through the thick poker file labeled Fist, Philip. Poker room alias: "Fisticuffs."
Agent Thatcher decides to destroy "Fisticuffs." He hates a hold 'em hypocrite.
(To be continued in the next issue of Poker Player)
