There's method to his madness. -William Shakespeare, Hamlet.
[This is a work of poker fiction set ten thousand hands in the future. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is coincidental.]
There are very few great poker writers, experts with something interesting to say, and lots of hack poker writers looking for a quick payday. For every Caro's Book of Poker Tells, there is a copycat Faro's Book of Poker Looks, and for every Brunson's Super/System, there is a copycat Munson's Superior/System. Nowhere is this problem more evident than in the case of the consummate poker writer David Sklansky's Theory of Poker and it's shameful imitation, Davy Zelanski's Poker Theories.
Sklansky's Theory of Poker begins, "The beauty of poker is that on the surface it is a game of utter simplicity, yet beneath the surface it is profound, rich, and full of subtlety."
With no subtlety whatsoever, Zelanski's Poker Theories parrots, "The loveliness of poker is that on the outside it's a game of total effortlessness, yet below it is deep, opulent, and filled with nuance."
This poker plagiarism, the imitation of the language and thoughts of another writer, sounds like a criminal act but, as Zelanski's high-priced lawyers point out, while their client may be dishonest and unethical he has committed no crime-ideas, facts, systems, and methods are not copyrightable. Which brings this story to "The System" and "The Method."
Sklansky's Tournament Poker For Advanced Players contains "The System" for no-limit beginners requiring them to make fold or all-in decisions on every pre-flop hand. Sklansky tells those who plan to try the system, "I'll be pulling for you."
Zelanski's Poker Tournaments for Superior Players counters with "The Method" for no-limit novices, which was ever-so-slightly re-worded to compel a pre-flop all-in or fold choice. Zelanski tells those who plan to try his method, "You can't lose!"
In the "poker + pot = plot" movie Dude, Where's My Cards? The character Timmy Tilt was played by actor Joey Scroggs, who, with a little help from his friends Blunt, Weed, and Spliff, won the fictional World's Greatest Poker Tournament. Scroggs, a method actor cast as a poker player, learned to play the part by watching endless hours of televised poker.
Scroggs played the part so well that after the movie was released the public, which made it a surprise box office smash, really came to believe that Timmy Tilt was the greatest poker player in the world.
So did the studio's publicity department which, to build up the opening weekend box office for the sequel, Dude, Where's My Chips? bought Timmy Tilt a $10,000 seat at the World's Most Serious Poker Tournament. Only Timmy's alter ago, Joey Scroggs, could not play poker to save his life.
While he could act the part, he could not play the part. Desperate to find someone to give the nonpoker-playing Scroggs a crash course in the no-limit hold'em game that Timmy Tilt played so well, saving himself from a career-ending disaster, the star of Dude, Where's My Chips? turned for lessons to the self-proclaimed "famed poker expert" Davy "The Big Deal" Zelanski who claimed, on his late night infomercials, to have a foolproof method to turn a poker beginner into a poker winner.
Zelanski, the phony poker expert, was hired to teach Timmy Tilt, the pretend poker player, "The Method." An undisclosed amount of money changed hands and Zelanski, agreeing to keep their arrangement secret, told Scroggs, "We're all in this together."
(To be continued in the next issue of Poker Player)
