In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane. -Oscar Wilde
[This is a work of poker fiction set ten thousand hands in the future. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is coincidental.]
Sigmund Freud played pinochle. Karl Jung played bridge. Dr. Jill "played" poker.
In the hyper-competitive world of daytime TV's therapy shows, dominated by advise giving psychologists like Dr. Phil, an actual Ivy League-trained psychiatrist like Dr. Jill was doomed to failure. But to Dr. Jill failure was not an option. Ignoring the precept "Physician, heal thyself," Dr. Jill's obsessive compulsive need was to be on, and then stay on, television. At this she was failing. When asked by TV Guidance to name their favorite TV Shrinks, Dr. Jill lost to Drs. Frazier Crane and Jennifer Melfi. Without a huge rating grabbing gimmick during sweeps week, Dr. Jill faced imminent cancellation.
Her reprieve came from the suicide bombing of the Las Vegas Crystal Casino's poker room. Dr. Jill, upon learning that the bomber, Mark Woosch, was believed to an obsessive-compulsive online poker player, saw the perfect opportunity for a sweeps week rating grabbing gimmick.
Dr. Jill's Special Report, The Hold'em Habit, premiered while the ruins of the Crystal's poker room were still smoldering. With Woosch's high school graduation picture as a backdrop she conducted a "photographic psychoanalysis," subjecting the face in the photo to a rigorous investigation into what had led him to become a suicide bomber. (Photographic psychoanalyses, like 976-fortune tellers and late-night TV clairvoyants, are highly unethical, unless done during day time TV's sweeps week, which makes them "infotainment.") Dr. Jill's medical opinion was that Woosch, whom she referred to as "Poor Mark," suffered from a hitherto undiagnosed condition which she named online poker madness.
"O.P.M., like opium," Dr. Jill told her viewing audience, "is terribly addicting. Many obsessive-compulsive OPM players exhibit the exact same behavior as drug addicts. Their psychological dependence on the reward stimuli that every hand of online poker promises renders them helpless slaves to the game. My diagnosis of poor Mark is very simple: compulsive gambling + internet addiction = online poker madness."
"They say," said Dr. Jill, "the first one is always free, which is how poor Mark probably got hooked on the rush of winning on some poker website's free game. From there it was only a matter of time before poor Mark escalated from one-table-at-a-time limit hold 'em to three-tables-at-the-same-time no-limit hold 'em and, finally all the way up to"-here Dr. Jill paused for dramatic effect-"five thousand player online poker tournaments!"
The studio audience gasped. Dr. Jill continued, "Is there someone you know or love who is an unknowing victim of online poker madness? Take my five question OPM Test to find out:
Does your husband play online poker more hours then the plays with the children?
Are your children buying into online poker games with their lunch money?
How many times has a loved one told you the same online bad-beat poker story?
Does your wife spend more time at the poker table than the kitchen table?
Are your online poker playing parents gambling away your inheritance?
"If OPM is ruining the life of someone you love, I can help."
Thousands of telephone calls and e-mails poured in to Dr. Jill from frightened viewers reporting cases of online poker madness. Dr. Jill's ratings soared. America woke up to "The OPM epidemic." TV Guidance, in recognition of her overwhelming sweeps success, named Dr. Jill "The Poker Shrink."
(To be continued in the next issue of Poker Player)
