Politics is the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people. -Oscar Wilde
[This is a work of poker fiction set ten thousand hands in the future. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is coincidental.]
In politics there is always someone willing to play dirtier than anyone else. Austria's Minister Of State Metternich, Germany's Iron Chancellor Bismarck, and France's Cardinal Richelieu (the real powers behind the thrones) helped establish the practice of Machtpolitik-power politics-using any and all means against their opponents in order to gain, and hold on to, political power.
In the world of American power politics, where slime and smear tactics are used to win elections, there is no one more feared than the political consultant Silas Coldcoffee. Just one look at the books behind his desk-Sun-Tzu's Art of War, Machiavelli's The Prince, Clausewitz's On War, Mao's Little Red Book-tells you almost all you need to know about how he conducts political campaigns. The rest can be learned by three additional volumes that occupy the corner of his desk-Addwater's Smashmouth Politics, Rave's Ruthless Elections, and Coldcoffee's own Cutthroat Campaigning.
"What is it, exactly," asks Coldcoffee, "I can do for you, Reverend Brother?"
Coldcoffee listens patiently. Then, when the Reverend has finished, he asks, "Poker players?" not quite believing what he's heard.
"They are," answers The Reverend, "an abomination in the eyes of The Lord."
"And you want me to," Coldcoffee is about to use the word "demonize" but, in light of whom he's talking to, thinks better of it, "criticize them."
"No. I want you to anathemize them. That's Bible speak for 'curse them.' Poker players should be made to look as repugnant as they truly are. The sooner the people of this great and glorious land realize that a monstrous poker plague has infected the body politic, the sooner they will turn to a leader to help them get rid of it."
"And that leader would be you?"
"I am called to His service. This is not something I want for myself, you understand; it is something that God wants. I am only His humble servant."
Coldcoffee understands perfectly. Overly ambitious politicians from both parties have already approached him about seeking the Presidency. He has dismissed them all as uninteresting "Tweedle-dum Tweedle-dee" mediocrities. He is about to dismiss The Reverend as well when suddenly something is said that catches his interest.
"Mr. Coldcoffee, I've read your Cutthroat Campaigning and I, according to your own blueprint, have that one important thing that every politician needs to win an election. I have a boogieman."
For those of you who have not read Silas Coldcoffee's Cutthroat Campaigning, The Reverend is referring to the section called Follow the Boogieman to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. "Presidential candidates have nothing to fear from fear itself. Nationalized fear wins national elections. Smart political consultants simply create a boogieman. Make people super afraid of the boogieman. And have a candidate promise voters to protect them from the boogieman."
"Poker players as the new boogieman?" says Coldcoffee, suddenly warming to the idea.
"Does not The Lord's Prayer itself say, "Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil." And is there anything more of a temptation then playing a something-for-nothing game? Hard working, God-fearing people will surely vote for someone who will deliver them from the evil of poker. I can be that someone. With your help. Do we have a deal?"
Silas Coldcoffee, who loves to play dirty, deals himself in.
(To be continued in the next issue of Poker Player)
