Lord above, Save us from the push and shove. -Fatboy Slim.

[This is a work of poker fiction set ten thousand hands in the future. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is coincidental.]

The World's Most Serious Poker Tournament's final table was down to four players. Three of them could play high stakes no-limit tournament poker. The one who could not was the chip leader.

"For those of you just tuning into our exciting final table coverage," explained the Poker HD3DTV announcer, "Joey Scroggs, star of the hit poker movie Dude, Where's My Cards? is playing this tournament in the character of Timmy Tilt. In the movie, Timmy Tilt wins the make-believe World's Greatest Poker Tournament and now, in a strange case of life imitating art, Timmy Tilt has pushed and shoved his way to the chip lead in the World's Most Serious Poker Tournament."

"Push and shove" was exactly how Joey Scroggs had managed to get to the World's Most Serious Poker Tournament's Final Table. Following "The Zelanski Method"-all-in pre-flop, in or out of position, raise or no raise, with any aces, kings, queens, jacks, aces/faces, or pairs-Scroggs had doubled up, or forced folds, every time he had pushed and shoved.

Scroggs had first doubled up when his snow 8s-8h Men turned into 8s-8h-8c snow job. He then tripled up when, all-in with lovers, 6h-9h, he had flopped a 6s-9d-6c orgy and then tripled up again when his all-in bloody Jh- Jd fishhooks gutted two opponents. Ducks 2c-2s turned into 2c-2s-2h-2d Swan Lake. T-T dimes into the T-T-T-T March Of Dimes. A mixed K-Q marriage all-in became All in the A-K-Q-J-T Family. Scroggs' paired all-ins, Route 66, 77 Sunset Strip, and Agent 99, doubled, re-doubled, and re-redoubled his chip stack. Soon no one would even call Scroggs all-in, folding their ladies Qd-Qh In Red and Big Ac-Ks Oil Slicks to his all-in jfack afss and little Ac-Qd chickadees.

In three days of all-in-your-famous-poker-face, Timmy Tilt spanked "The Brat," tricked "The Magician," mangled "The Master," hooked "The Fish," pulverized "The Crusher," deposed "The King," foiled "Doyle," buried "The Fossil," cut down "The Forest," shut "The Mouth," sank "The Sailor, buried "The Undertaker," flunked "The Professor," lassoed "The Cowboy," defused "The Bomber," silenced "The Thunder," milked "The Cow," emasculated "The Ball Buster," crucified "Jesus," and conquered "The World."

The not so famous poker faces fared no better. Scroggs, defying the all-in odds, beat A-A Batteries with one-eyed Js-Jhacks, Ksrispy Kcreams with 9h-9d red balloons, and Ahnna Khournikova with QuackerJacks. Scroggs bloodied the aggressive and bullied the weak. He sucked out players filling backdoor flushes and drew out players filling belly buster straights. Players sent to the rail shook their heads. Players seated at his tables shook in their boots.

The poker expert Davy Zelanski had been secretly hired by Scroggs to teach Timmy Tilt his push and shove coin flip method. Zelanski, seeing his star pupil reach the WMSPT's Final Table, might have died a happy man at the vindication of the much maligned Zalanski Method, had Scroggs not taken the "two could keep a secret so long as one of them was dead" step of having already murdered his teacher.

Only Zelanski had not taught Scroggs everything about poker tournament play. After conferring among themselves, his three remaining opponents came to Scroggs. "We want," they said, "to make a deal." Scroggs had no idea what they were talking about.

(To be continued in the next issue of Poker Player)