Dealer's Choice

I was sitting in front of my laptop with a long neck Corona at my elbow and about 36 hours to meet my deadline. It was a first-cut script for a popular TV cop show for which I had sold a premise. I was relaxed and enjoying the writing because I had a good plot laced with comedy and unexpected turns. When the phone rang I was tempted not to answer until some bad consequences raced through my mind.

"Joe, where are you?" my buddy, Hobby, asked.

"Well just take a wild guess. You called me at home and I answered the phone."

"Yeah, well I mean, why aren't you here? Tonight's my poker night on Lazybuns."

"Oh, shit. I totally forgot. I'm working; you'll have to count me out."

"Joe, you can't let me down like this. We've been planning this for two months. I've got a great group of guys coming and I'm having Chen's cater our eats. It'll be a bust without you, Joe."

"Jeez, I don't know. I've got a deadline and I should keep working." About that time my stomach growled and I thought about Chen's food; it was first-rate.

"Joe, if you'll come tonight, I'll spring for dinner at Ruth's this weekend for you and Kim."

How tempting, not only did I savor the best steaks in town, but it was also Kim's favorite and an almost guaranteed a sleepover. "Okay, Hobby, I'll be right over."

After a round of drinks, Hobby got it underway saying, "It's dealer's choice tonight, and no fair opting out before you see some cards. Let's give everyone a chance to try out their favorite game." Oh boy, I thought, this can be a real bummer. I'd played with some of the guys before and their concept of poker is double-deck canasta for money. Oh well, I signed up. I'd have to grin and bear it.

I bought $100 worth of chips and planned to sit back and play conservatively, but when I found three aces in my hand for a game of "confetti" and the fourth ace turned up on the board I made a substantial bet. I momentarily forgot the starting instructions that the two cards on either side of the second community card would be wild. A six was turned over, which did nothing for my hand. After the final card was exposed, a jack which paired another on the board, I wasn't sure where I sat in the hierarchy of weird hands, and checked. A following player made a substantial bet, which I felt obliged to call; after all it's not every day you get four true aces. My opponent turned over a pair of sevens and a five and claimed, "Five jacks, I win."

I tried to be gracious about it but underneath I was pissed. The past hand was the epitome of what stupid off-beat poker games produce. I swear, I'll never be sucked into another one of these lame excuses for the honored game of poker, good friend Hobby, or not.

When the rotation came to me I attempted to bring some balance to the game and announced, "Five-card draw." You would have thought I farted at the buffet table to see the looks on their faces. Even Hobby said, "Is that the best you can come up with, Joe? I was expecting something more creative." That was a low blow, but rather than stew about it I started thinking about what I might offer next time.

I actually began to make money on the crazy games, not for any skill on my part, but just from the luck of the draw. I played games I'd never heard of before, like night baseball extra innings where in addition to two wild cards, you could buy a final card which would be your personal wild card. Good grief, unless you had five aces or a royal flush you had no chance to win.

We took a break to enjoy Chen's spread of Chinese food. I was famished by this time and totally pigged out. I had already put away a half-dozen beers and was mellowing out, despite my revulsion at the corrupt poker. Hobby took a seat next to me and said, "Joe, I know you're not a fan of goofy poker, but try to get with the program; just do it for me."

Everyone seemed to be more interested in chow than poker so it was late when we got back to the table. By the time the deal got to me we were on the downhill leg. Before I picked up the deck Hobby announced, "Joe has a very special game for you which will be the last one for the night, so let's make it memorable."

"Okay, guys. Since I know the game and you don't, I'm going to excuse myself. I'll just explain it and do the dealing. The game is called fish poker. You'll each be dealt six cards, after each there will be a round of betting and after the third and fifth card you can turn to the player on your left and ask for whatever card you want, like 'give me all your kings' and replace them with cards from your hand. After the last round of betting you will open this note I've written for the final instruction."

As stupid as it was, most of the players were enthusiastically getting into it. The exception was Marty who was so far into his cups that he didn't seem to understand what the hell was going on. after the betting ended on the final round five players were still in the game. It was the biggest pot of the night, by far. Hobby opened my note and read. "The player with the poorest hand wins."

There was pandemonium and general disgust from expectant winners, especially when it became obvious Marty had won the hand.

Write to author David Valley at: dvalley1@san.rr.com