Acting is nothing more or less than playing. -George Elliot

[This is a work of poker fiction set ten thousand hands in the future. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is coincidental.]

"Timmy Tilt," played by actor Joey Scroggs, is a fictional poker player in the movie Dude, Where's My Cards? He is no more real than "Eric Stoner," Steve McQueen's fictional poker player in The Cincinnati Kid or "Mike McDermott," Matt Damon's fictional poker player in Rounders. Yet, when Today'sUSA asked people in a national poll to name the greatest poker player in the world, more than 90 percent of respondents answered "Timmy Tilt."

Dude, Where's My Cards was just one of the several low budget "poker + pot = plot" movies churned out by a Hollywood film studio, which before Dude had produced Aces Up In Smoke, Fast Times At Hold'em High, and Harold & Kumar Toke The Dealer.

The movie Dude, Where's My Cards? tells the story of a young, handsome, nonsmoking college math major named Timothy, played by the young and handsome Scroggs, whose stoner roommates, Blunt, Weed, and Spliff, talk him into joining in their late night hold 'em game, only to discover that he is a poker-playing prodigy. The roommates beg, borrow, and steal enough money to stake Timmy to an entry into The World's Greatest Poker Tournament, only to learn that, when the chips are down and the cards run ragged, Timmy goes on tilt. Desperate to calm "Timmy Tilt" down, the roommates bake up a batch of marijuana-laced hold 'em-hash brownies which, innocent of their ingredients, a very relaxed Timmy soon shares with his poker opponents. Hot-knifing his way through the field, Timmy wins the tournament and is named "The Greatest Poker Player in the World." The End.

Only that was just the beginning. At The B-Movies gave Dude, Where's My Cards? two middle fingers way up! Rolling Stoned called Scroggs the new James Bong. The movie did so well at the box office that a sequel, Dude, Where's My Chips? was rushed into production. The film studio's publicity department even came up with a great marketing gimmick. "Timmy Tilt," who would stay in character throughout, was bought a seat at the upcoming World's Most Serious Poker Tournament.

The press loved the idea. Timeweekly headlined "Poker World on Tilt," while the Newstimely cover story was "Tilting at Winning Millions." "Rocky," wrote USPeople, "never really fought Apollo Creed, Clubber Lang, or Ivan Drago. 'The Natural' never really hit a pennant-winning home run for the New York Knights. 'The Hustler' never really ran the table on Minnesota Fats. But 'Timmy Tilt' is really going to play in the World's Most Serious Poker Tournament."

The last person to find out that "Timmy Tilt" was going to play in the World's Most Serious Poker Tournament was his alter ego, Joey Scroggs, who could not, in or out of character play poker to save his life. Scroggs had grown up playing Automotive Grand Theft and Super Duper Mario. "Poker," thought Scroggs, "was so 64-bits ago." The greatest poker player in the world had never mastered either the intricacies of Go Fish or the complexities of Old Maid. What he needed was to find a poker expert to give him a "crash course" in winning no-limit tournament hold 'em.

Desperate for a way to make "Timmy Tilt" competitive, Scroggs turned to the only poker expert who claimed to have a foolproof scheme that would turn a beginner into a no-limit hold'em tournament winner-Davy "The Big Deal" Zelanski, author of The Fool Proof Poker Method.

(To be continued in the next issue of Poker Player)